010: A New Season
We say goodbye with each change in season to create space for what's to come.
It’s a new season, and many things have changed since my last update. The first change is that I’m in Siena - a bit jet-lagged, sweaty from walking around in the hot sun (still in the 90s here), and equally anxious and eager for what comes next. I leave the city tomorrow for a three-month butchery apprenticeship on a nearby Tuscan farm. I’ve hesitated to write about the training until now, not entirely convinced it would happen. Now that I’m here, the reality of what I’m about to embark on is finally starting to register.
I’ve spent the last couple of years in transition, feeling things out and deciding which path I want to take. Pursuing a career in food has never been my plan, but sometimes life takes unexpected turns, and you find yourself somewhere new, doing something unexpected.
Writing has been a struggle over the past few months because I’ve been intentionally holding back, unsure how to share aspects of my life that have shaped my relationship with food and my journey in the kitchen. I find talking about myself uncomfortable, never wanting to come off as boastful or seeking either praise or pity for my accomplishments or challenges. I’ve written a lot, but ultimately, everything that made it to the page felt like a partial story. By omitting aspects of my life that are complicated, messy, or that I’m unsure how to talk about eloquently, my writing felt like a selective and highly curated version of myself. So, let’s clear the air, spill the tea, and get caught up.
My journey to this moment started in the fall of 2019. I had a very different life at that time. I had a successful career and was confident in my work, with no plans of changing trajectory. One late September afternoon in 2019, life changed in a split second when an oncoming car suddenly crossed the highway’s yellow center line, colliding head-on with us. The high-speed impact mangled both vehicles and everyone inside them. Cody (my partner) and I both sustained life-threatening injuries that have forever impacted our lives, but thanks to the amazing medical team, everyone survived. We spent a month in the hospital, unable to move from bed without assistance and supervision. It was truly the most horrific experience of our lives. I was so thankful for the friends, family, and coworkers who visited us and cheered us on during this time. Please don’t drink and drive!
Recovery took months, and I spent that time confined to my apartment until March of 2020 when I finally returned to the office. On my second day back at work, everyone was told to work from home until further notice due to COVID-19. By this time, I had already spent months confined to my apartment, and without being able to exercise, I started suffering from crippling anxiety. I tired quickly, felt mentally slow, and was scared that I couldn’t keep up in a fast-paced work environment.
The corporate work culture became more intense during the pandemic. Fighting with insurance companies over hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills and handling legal proceedings only increased my anxiety. I lost almost half of my hair and gained weight faster than I had ever thought possible. I still didn’t want to quit; I wanted to prove to myself and the rest of the team that I could hold my own.
One year after I returned to work, my boss called to inform me that a coworker on our small team and his wife had been victims of a hit-and-run. A drunk driver crashed into their car, killing them instantly. At that moment, I knew I was done. I quit the next day. I wasn’t willing to spend any more of my life working a job that did not contribute more than it was taking from my life. Life’s too short for that.
There has never been a time when I felt like such a failure as in the weeks following quitting my job. Logically, I knew I had done the right thing, but even though they hired two people to replace me, I felt I had failed miserably. I had quit my job with nothing lined up, with no plan. I was totally lost.
Cody was (and still is) my constant cheerleader, telling me to take time and do what I enjoyed. My only sense of calm or accomplishment came from working in the garden or the kitchen. I had always enjoyed cooking but started to read more cookbooks and build a repertoire of meals that were slam dunks. I knew I couldn’t stay home cooking and gardening forever, so I started taking interviews with other corporations but saw warning signs of the same work culture I had just left behind.
I needed interaction with people. I needed to have a purpose. I was still struggling with anxiety but knew I needed to do something where I could move my body and be around people, so I reached out to a local farm to see if they needed any help. My timing was impeccable, and after one quick email exchange, I started working farmer’s markets for a local organic farm that same week. Having access to stunning organic fruits and vegetables was a game changer. I knew what week the strawberries were most delicious, when the carrots were particularly sweet, and explored a world of raabs. I met some fantastic people through the local food community and continued feeding my desire to know more about the food I eat.
Following this interest seemed natural, but I didn’t know what I wanted to do or how to move forward. To help me refine my skills and explore my options, I signed up to attend the 12-week cooking course at Ballymaloe Cookery School in Ireland. The school is on a 100-acre organic farm and focuses on sustainability and slow-food. Unfortunately, classes were fully booked until January 2024, leaving a gap where I continue to find learning opportunities.
One of these opportunities has been a lamb butchery class through Marigold Cooking Collective. Butchery was something wholly new to me and far from my comfort zone. Although intimidated, I wanted to be as close to the source of my food as possible. I want to know where my meat comes from and how the animal was raised and slaughtered. Gracie Schatz was a fantastic teacher who inspired me to learn more. Butchery is not all hacking, whacking, and slinging bone saws. It takes a lot of finesse. Trying to learn this skill requires repetition and practice.
Three weeks ago, someone from Tenuta di Spannocchia, where Gracie had trained, reached out, letting me know they had an opening for the butchery apprenticeship. I applied for the apprenticeship months ago but was initially passed over. Disappointed, I put it out of my mind and moved on, knowing I would still have Ballymaloe in January. However, my heart leaped to my throat when I saw the email asking if I would still be interested in coming to Tuscany from September to December. I will learn traditional methods to make salumi with a heritage breed of free-range pigs. Of course, I immediately said yes, without a second thought, and frantically started making travel arrangements, packing, and saying farewell to my friends, family, and farm job.
That brings us to the here and now. Tomorrow, I start a butchery apprenticeship that will last 12 weeks. I return home for a couple of weeks before heading to Ireland. After that, who knows? I’m still not sure, but I feel like I’m taking steps in the direction I want to be heading. Something that fills the wells within me and makes me feel like I’m living my life. I can’t ask for more than that.
Wow, Katie. I'm so moved by your experiences. Cannot wait to keep up with you about all the things that will come. :}
A wonderful read, thank you sharing — lucky us.